What Do My Tax Dollars Get Me? Government Incompetence, Of Course!

“Five thousand dollars goes fast when the government takes ten…”

I made a decent income in January, but it’s all gone already.

It’s not because I’m a big spender either. Rather, it’s because the government is.

Every year, between January 15 and January 31, my corporate taxes are due.

First I pay the federal government. That’s the biggest chunk of money. Usually between $10,000 and $20,000 depending on the year.

Second, I pay the state government. A smaller amount, for sure, but still painful. It comes to around $2,500 to $4,500 each year.

Last but not least, I pay the third government, which is the Colorado Department of Labor and Employment; or the unemployment office, for short.

If you’re an ordinary citizen, you probably don’t realize the unemployment office is a government unto itself. But since I’m the sole owner and employee of my own corporation, I know this all too well.

Believe it or not, I must file quarterly with the unemployment office or face fines and late fees — even if I owe them nothing. And while my unemployment tax is only about $200 a year, I pay much more in administration costs just to file their ridiculous paperwork.

And good luck if you ever have a question…

They once made a mistake and I had to call them to correct it. I was only able to succeed after repeated calls and messages. (Apparently, nobody could help me but the one woman assigned to my account. She never answered her phone and never returned messages. This is the government’s idea of customer service.)

You can expect a similar experience when you call the Colorado Department of Revenue.

This year they changed their zero file rules. You now have to get a special ID that you request online. I’ve requested my ID twice using their online process, but still they’ve sent nothing.

I finally called them because I’m unable to comply with their rules until they send me this number. I was greeted by the following message:

We are sorry, but we are unable to assist you at this time. Due to high call volume, we are restricting the number of callers placed on hold. When we do this, average wait times are reduced to approximately 15 minutes rather than 45 minutes to one hour if we accept all calls. Please understand we are committed to providing a high level of service with the limited resources available to us. Please call back knowing that when you get through to us your wait time will be significantly less.

I have been greeted by this message many times now. It is the ultimate Catch-22.

• I must zero file with the State of Colorado or face penalties, but I cannot zero file without a “new and improved” special number from the state.

• I have twice requested this special number online, but they will not send it to me.

• They provide a phone number to call for help, which simply tells me they cannot answer my call and that I can do lots of nifty things on their web site. For instance, I can request a number they will not send.

If only Joseph Heller were alive today, I’m sure he could work wonders with this material. But alas, you’re stuck with me.

Anyway, I can’t help but think I should at least get the courtesy of basic customer service given how many thousands of dollars I’m paying the government.

Pay a private business thousands and you’d get a valuable product, good customer service, perhaps even a little respect. But pay the government thousands and you get a lump of coal in your sock and a message that says “bugger off.”

-Ryan M. Healy